Okay, so I know I'm just jumping in here but. I'm all about self discovery and I'm deeply into doing that right now. What is life but an opportunity to better yourself for your maker. My Allah is so profoundly Merciful and Kind, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for Him. Bettering myself is the least I can do, even though it is the hardest and most energy and time consuming thing possible.
I have a councillor, till I get her permission she will remain known only as my councillor. She is a Mercy from my Allah, Sukri Alhamdulillah.
Well, for the past week I have fighting just to get in the basic five salats a day. I don't know what the problem was, but I was definitely fighting. I was missing Zhur and Asr for like two days in a row, I was sleeping completely through tahajjad and Fajr. It was crazy! I felt like I was drowning in a sleepiness that would not be appeased. I made intense dua. I asked my Allah for safety, for His protection against whatever it was, as He alone is the only protection. And although I didn't know what it was, there is nothing hidden from Him. For verily, He is the Seer, the Knower, the Aware of everything. And the next day, I was up for Tahajjud as usual, at about 4:00, wide awake like I had gotten the amount of sleep that I had really gotten. LOL instead of waking up feeling as if I hadn't slept in days. So, it took about three day exactly until I got my schedule back on track. And then I blew Fajr again. Decided I wasn't working hard enough to make sure I didn't miss it. Allah helps those who help themselves. So I set my alarm and I've been up, no prob. It's been hard, but I've been at it.
So, after being on top of my ibada, I started thinking more about my Allah's Mercy and Compassion and Kindness. And how much He give us, without us even realizing what we have. How we can never be thankful enough for how much love He has for us and how much He has given us. How awesome He is that He created the most Amazing and perfect creation, from His own Noor. That same Noor which caused Nabi Musa Alaihi salam to swoon and turned his hair white from root to tip. That same Noor which caused Mount Sinai to crumble into dust on the wind. And He have that most prized creation to us as a gift, a comfort, a guide. How blessed are we? And how unutterably amazing is He? That He shared our Rasul, Salallahu alaihi wa salam, with us? Its almost too much to comprehend. I love Him with every fiber of my being and pray that He allows me to remain His humble, loving, subservient slave. InshaAllah ta'ala.
So that's the high I've been on for days, and then this morning............the comments. Its only every couple of hours that "the comments" are made. The are snide, rude, sideways remarks made both at what I do, and at what is done for me. The reminders, the murder of blessings so needed, and the accusations. Became a little too much for me to bear this morning. Completely brought me down. I've been working with AMLC, and keeping my house top notch, getting dinners completed on time, teaching my children and being kind and caring to my husband. And then my ibada was straight on top of that. Ya Illahi, I was in the zone. Shaitain couldn't allow that to happen. But it took some help from my councilor to see what the problem was. I knew it was nafs, as it began with the "I can't", "I'm tired", " I I I" nafs. So I vented a little, so I wouldn't bring those nafs into my home and allow them to make me in the wrong, and so displease my Allah. And she did, what I knew she would. Pull me outside of my nafs to look at what else I could fix in me. That's what I wanted and needed a little redirection. So I am challenged with finding a way to challenge myself with something I know I have issues with. Well, my biggest issue is consistency. I will rationlize the heck out of why I am unable to be consistent with anything. I can't even have a conversation and be consistent with the topic of conversation. I'll switch subjects in the middle of a sentence, and switch back just as fast. Its crazy! So, I think I'm going to go back to my original household schedule. For when my husband and I first got back together, and stick to it for longer. It lasted for months, but I eventually fell off. I'll put my goal at a year of a consistent schedule, and then see if it becomes habit after that amount of time. InshaAllah, we shall see. Its a serious schedule, and some people, with the best of intentions, will make it very hard to stick to. But it is the best for me. And it works. So I'm going back to it.
I am going to post some beautiful pics, because I like beautiful things. And I did my makeup today, and although I would love to post pics of that, these pages aren't private. LOL LOL so no, it's not going to happen. LOL
Until next episode of the Struggle of the Ideal Muslimah.
I am going to finish class with my four children, do a load or two of laundry, feed my children lunch and clean up afterward. Then cook dinner, feed the family, bath the baby (who is about to be 6), work for a couple of hours on some projects for AMLC. And then Isha, Suratul Mulk and some nighttime ibada and bed, hopefully by midnight. Back up at Tahajjad to do it again in the morning. And that's not even my schedule. LOL LOL I love being busy though. I love it!!! I have no gas to get my daughter to Riyadha, thought I had some money coming in that didn't. Allah is the best of planners. She is bummed out though. I understand. I'll try to get them to the park, and/or the library later on. We'll see what Allah allows. InshaAllah.
I have a councillor, till I get her permission she will remain known only as my councillor. She is a Mercy from my Allah, Sukri Alhamdulillah.
Well, for the past week I have fighting just to get in the basic five salats a day. I don't know what the problem was, but I was definitely fighting. I was missing Zhur and Asr for like two days in a row, I was sleeping completely through tahajjad and Fajr. It was crazy! I felt like I was drowning in a sleepiness that would not be appeased. I made intense dua. I asked my Allah for safety, for His protection against whatever it was, as He alone is the only protection. And although I didn't know what it was, there is nothing hidden from Him. For verily, He is the Seer, the Knower, the Aware of everything. And the next day, I was up for Tahajjud as usual, at about 4:00, wide awake like I had gotten the amount of sleep that I had really gotten. LOL instead of waking up feeling as if I hadn't slept in days. So, it took about three day exactly until I got my schedule back on track. And then I blew Fajr again. Decided I wasn't working hard enough to make sure I didn't miss it. Allah helps those who help themselves. So I set my alarm and I've been up, no prob. It's been hard, but I've been at it.
So, after being on top of my ibada, I started thinking more about my Allah's Mercy and Compassion and Kindness. And how much He give us, without us even realizing what we have. How we can never be thankful enough for how much love He has for us and how much He has given us. How awesome He is that He created the most Amazing and perfect creation, from His own Noor. That same Noor which caused Nabi Musa Alaihi salam to swoon and turned his hair white from root to tip. That same Noor which caused Mount Sinai to crumble into dust on the wind. And He have that most prized creation to us as a gift, a comfort, a guide. How blessed are we? And how unutterably amazing is He? That He shared our Rasul, Salallahu alaihi wa salam, with us? Its almost too much to comprehend. I love Him with every fiber of my being and pray that He allows me to remain His humble, loving, subservient slave. InshaAllah ta'ala.
So that's the high I've been on for days, and then this morning............the comments. Its only every couple of hours that "the comments" are made. The are snide, rude, sideways remarks made both at what I do, and at what is done for me. The reminders, the murder of blessings so needed, and the accusations. Became a little too much for me to bear this morning. Completely brought me down. I've been working with AMLC, and keeping my house top notch, getting dinners completed on time, teaching my children and being kind and caring to my husband. And then my ibada was straight on top of that. Ya Illahi, I was in the zone. Shaitain couldn't allow that to happen. But it took some help from my councilor to see what the problem was. I knew it was nafs, as it began with the "I can't", "I'm tired", " I I I" nafs. So I vented a little, so I wouldn't bring those nafs into my home and allow them to make me in the wrong, and so displease my Allah. And she did, what I knew she would. Pull me outside of my nafs to look at what else I could fix in me. That's what I wanted and needed a little redirection. So I am challenged with finding a way to challenge myself with something I know I have issues with. Well, my biggest issue is consistency. I will rationlize the heck out of why I am unable to be consistent with anything. I can't even have a conversation and be consistent with the topic of conversation. I'll switch subjects in the middle of a sentence, and switch back just as fast. Its crazy! So, I think I'm going to go back to my original household schedule. For when my husband and I first got back together, and stick to it for longer. It lasted for months, but I eventually fell off. I'll put my goal at a year of a consistent schedule, and then see if it becomes habit after that amount of time. InshaAllah, we shall see. Its a serious schedule, and some people, with the best of intentions, will make it very hard to stick to. But it is the best for me. And it works. So I'm going back to it.
I am going to post some beautiful pics, because I like beautiful things. And I did my makeup today, and although I would love to post pics of that, these pages aren't private. LOL LOL so no, it's not going to happen. LOL
Until next episode of the Struggle of the Ideal Muslimah.
I am going to finish class with my four children, do a load or two of laundry, feed my children lunch and clean up afterward. Then cook dinner, feed the family, bath the baby (who is about to be 6), work for a couple of hours on some projects for AMLC. And then Isha, Suratul Mulk and some nighttime ibada and bed, hopefully by midnight. Back up at Tahajjad to do it again in the morning. And that's not even my schedule. LOL LOL I love being busy though. I love it!!! I have no gas to get my daughter to Riyadha, thought I had some money coming in that didn't. Allah is the best of planners. She is bummed out though. I understand. I'll try to get them to the park, and/or the library later on. We'll see what Allah allows. InshaAllah.
When souls were created, it was because of you,
When life was blown, and Qalbs shone with Ruh,
And were animated by the Noori light of Hoo
When we soared before, around, the Most Glorified, Ya Mujassim
Voices rang out, when posed with the question,
The veils were drawn, blinded by possessions
the light fading, and darkness taking over
He sends to us, that shining brilliant lover
Full of kindness and compassion, to cover
our ignorance with remembrance
and our lethargy with exuberance
That by His will perchance
we will be blinded and engulfed in his awesome brilliance
Let not a moment be lost, that could be given in love
To our blessed most exalted creator from above,
Hoo gifted us with His most prized of creation,
that we may be given the gift of humility and subservience
That in time we may peel the layers of the veils
and light may once again penetrate
that our eyes once blinded, may once again be gifted
by the light of Shama-e-jamal
and we may once again float, surround, become one,
With that most perfect light of our creator.
Comments
Post a Comment